Jewish humor

Some of the below should be funny to all, others…well, nu?

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
” The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

My Mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. [note: Shul = synagogue]

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

Don’t be humble; you are not that great.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.

As Lenny Bruce once said, even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you’re Jewish. However, what he didn’t say, is if you live in Butte, Montana, even if you are Jewish, you’re not.

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
“Would you like dinner?,” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?,” Moshe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?”
Epstein replies, “I make a nice living….”

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell “cultivate” and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…. and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”

Signs on Synagogue Bulleting Boards:
– Under same management for over 5763 years.
– Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this Shabbat.
– Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
– Come early for a good seat.
– What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
– Oy to the World
– Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
– Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
– Come on Baby Light my Menorah
– Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
– Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.”
“What denomination?,” says the clerk.
The woman says “Oy vay, my g-d, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!”

A well-meaning gentile from Connecticut, upon getting to Washington on his vacation, is about to enter Senator Lieberman’s office when a Capitol Building guard stops him.
“I’m sorry, Sir,” the guard explained. “Senator Lieberman is doing Mincha and Maariv at this time.”
The gentile walks away shaking his head, saying: “Hmmm, Clinton only had Monica.
[Note: Mincha is the afternoon prayer, and Maariv is the evening prayer]