Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Israeli humor at Holy Virals

and from KetaKeta

Take the Picasso Inkblot Test

DL in the comments to my thread on TWINKIES details his thoughts on the Turing Test, while Blair analyzes it on his own site. Both bring up very good arguments as to why the test is flawed.

Here’s a discussion on How Bacon is Made. It first appeared in The Onion in 1996. I remember it well from then. It disappeared from The Onion’s archives several years ago. It might be findable at The Wayback Machine, but most likely without the pictures. Luckily, it does still appear in a few other locations on the web.

Warning: It’s not for the faint of heart.

The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project

T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. stands for Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations.

T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.

The tests include
Resistivity
Gravitational Response
Rapid Oxidation
Solubility
Maximum Density
Radition
Turing

Yes, they conducted a Turing Test on a Twinkie to see if it was intelligent. I won’t give away the result of that one. However, to quote:

This test was designed to test whether Twinkies are intelligent. We decided to do this test last, because we “killed” a lot of Twinkies during these experiments, and didn’t want to know before the other tests were over if they were sentient.

Yes, these tests were conducted in 1995. The website was last updated in 2000. But it was new to me. (Actually I found a copy of this project in a binder buried in my office from a previous occupant. I decided to see if it was online, and yes, it was.)

I think the Czech police should question David Copperfield and see where he’s been lately. There apparently have been bridge thefts in Russia as well recently, and I haven’t heard anything about Copperfield in the US for a few years. Maybe he’s traveling.

The word for when you don’t win: L*O*S*E
The word for something that isn’t tight: L*O*O*S*E

You look like an idiot when you confuse the two.
Really, you do.

I really wanted to laugh at the below video, and was laughing, until the misspelled caption. Then I was just disgusted with the poor US educational system.

Go ahead, call me a spelling Nazi, but at least I’m not a Cowboys fan.

I could only get through the first five of this year’s Darwin Awards before my laughter became too much. Some prime examples of stupidity.

Transylvanian Dutch, from the POV of a LOL-cat

Plug the following into Google, and my blog is the number one hit. No quotations necessary.

1) Miguel Moses de Cervantes Cruvant
2) Drew Barrymore having sex with Harry Potter
3) Great Animal Rebellion
4) Rabbi found guilty of erroneous mathematical calculations at Victoria’s Secret
5) Victor Hugo translations and viagra erections

What’s really incredible is that I’m not the *only* hit for some of those.

Meme taken from CasaChristy

Just discovered that in Lexington, KY there’s a Transylvania University

Now, with a name like that, what do you think their sports teams are called?

Transylvania Pioneers. No fun at all.

Here’s a funny webcomic about a kid with a funny name. You probably don’t need to understand SQL programming language to get the humor, as the context should explain it.

Bonus Material: This webcomic is extra-geeky, and you should be aware that if you scroll your cursor over the panels, more stuff might appear. You know, Easter Eggs or Passover Matzah, depending upon your religion.

It is to say that I have an idea for a blog post that I will write later. So this just introduces that blog post. It’s not a blog post itself.

Oh, yeah, Filk Singer Blind Lemming Chiffon has fallen behind on his Song-A-Day project, but his most recent endeavor, I feel, is a work of genius. And I may actually sing it at the next open mic I attend.

Oh, crap, I think I just made this into a blog post.

Songs for today

Hey, it’s Can(n)on - Tom Smith
Talk Like A Pirate Day - Tom Smith (both can be downloaded for free)
I Want to Sing and Dance - Ray Stevens
The Wendy Saga - SJ Tucker

The Pirate Song - George Harrison

A Pirate Looks at 40 - Jimmy Buffett

You Don’t Know Jack - Luke Ski

Sometimes when you listen to a foreign language video you wish you could understand the words.

Other times, you’re happy you don’t!

On a mailing list a couple weeks ago, we were discussing who had famous relatives. I brought up my questionable oneworldtree genealogy of course.

In the past day a couple newcomers added to the thread. One said he was related through marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln.

I thought about the obvious joke “You’re married to Mary Todd Lincoln?”

But came up with a better response.

“Through marriage I’m related to Jesus. My second cousin, once removed, is a nun.”

Well, she is.

Wait a minute, I think I may have misread the headline.

Cook: Why’s the chicken raw, I set the oven to ‘off’?

(off sounds like the Hebrew word for ‘chicken’.)

More Hebrew-English puns. (The italicized word in each sentence is the Hebrew word)

And here are some bilingual puns in other language

I’m considering participating in the First Annual Scriptfrenzy (the screenwriting version of National Novel Writing Month)

Since I have no clue about formatting a screenplay, I downloaded a free software program that does the formatting for you. Unfortunately, I still have to write the screenplay myself. I wrote a sample scene. This is how a screenplay looks:

Just imagine better dialogue.

update: added a link to the free software.

The Re-echo Club (1913) is a book by poet, Carolyn Wells ‘revealing’ the ‘long hidden papers’ of a group of poets who gathered and rewrote poems in their own style. (And by coincidence…I don’t own this book, and discovered it after yesterday’s post…the first poem these poets rewrite is Burgess’s classic)

See if you can detect the poet who wrote the following:

Open then I flung a shutter,
And, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a Purple Cow which gayly tripped around my floor.
Not the least obeisance made she,
Not a moment stopped or stayed she,
But with mien of chorus lady perched herself above my door.

And that Purple Cow unflitting
Still is sitting — still is sitting
On that dusty bust of Dante just above my chamber door,
And her horns have all the seeming
Of a demon’s that is screaming,
And the arc-light o’er her streaming
Casts her shadow on the floor.
And my soul from out that pool of Purple Shadow on the floor
Shall be lifted Nevermore!

THOUSANDS of rich women were conned by a firm into believing LAMBS were valuable miniature POODLES.

Entire flocks were imported to Japan from the UK and Australia then sold by the internet company as the latest “must have” pet.

The bizarre scam was rumbled when Japanese movie star Maiko Kawakami complained on a talk show that her new poodle refused to bark or eat dog food.

Story. (I do have some doubts about the accuracy of this news report. The ‘news sources’ the story’s appeared in so far aren’t the most reliable.)

Snopes verifies my doubts.

You know the movie: March of the Penguins?
Well, it’s about Emperor Penguins.
And in France, the title of the film originally translated to March of the Emperors.
And the French came up with an absolutely hilarious advert.
It should be noted that I ‘listened’ to this at work, where I have no audio. It’s not needed, due to English subtitles.
It should also be noted that there is one line in the video that some might feel contains a word that is inappropriate for children.

As seen on Peter David’s blog

There are some sentences in which one should never pause.

For example, at lunch today, a cousin said the following:

My girlfriend dyed her hair.

I guess some might want an explanation. How, ironic?

From Wiki:

Exegesis involves an extensive and critical interpretation of a text, especially of a holy scripture, such as of the Old and New Testaments of the Bible, the Talmud, the Midrash, the Qur’an, etc. An exegete is a practitioner of this art, and the adjectival form is exegetic. The plural of the word exegesis is exegeses.

The word exegesis can mean explanation, but as a technical term it means “to draw the meaning out of” a given text. Exegesis may be contrasted with eisegesis, which means to read one’s own interpretation into a given text. In general, exegesis presumes an attempt to view the text objectively, while eisegesis implies more subjectivity.

Comparing George W Bush and Pee Wee Herman as potential 2008 Presidential Candidates

(Yes, there’s an issue of GWB not being able to run again which this blogger doesn’t mention, but it’s not as if Pee Wee Herman can run either, seeing that he’s a fictional character.)

But this is my favorite recent political post from the same blogger

Mallory Keaton blasts brother for political ad. It could easily have appeared in The Onion.

(From my inbox to a post in under 60 seconds)

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
  with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our Highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
• A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, Then demand their cooperation and money.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
• HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
• The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are a conservative radio host. Then it is an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

Gonorrhea Lectim Warning
Centers for Disease Control (CDC)

THE CDC has issued a no-nonsense warning about a new, highly virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced “gonna re-elect him”).

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to,

• anti-social personality disorder traits;
• delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
• chronic mangling of the English language;
• extreme cognitive dissonance;
• inability to incorporate new information;
• pronounced xenophobia and homophobia;
• inability to accept responsibility for actions;
• exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
• uncontrolled facial smirking;
• total ignorance of geography and history;
• tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;
• and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas bush.

Please inform any of your friends and associates who have been acting unusual lately.

– Received in email. Author Unknown. Earliest internet appearance I have found (Dec 2004)

(Sure, I could have worked a little and updated it for the 2006 elections…tried to make it apply to re-electing current incumbents…but why bother?)

When Willie Nelson was pulled over, he had only nice things to say about Jewish people.

(received via email)

I just discovered the source of the joke, and I’m not surprised one bit:
The Onion

A former HS friend recently came up with what may be the strangest pick up line I have ever heard. To be used on someone who is hiccupping:

“A recent medical study found that digital rectal massages relieved hiccups in about three to five minutes. Want to go experiment?”

Not that it entirely matters, but it’s true.

DRM, digital, rectal, massages, hiccups

A joke is apparently making the rounds that 9 prominent Democrats were born 9 months after Roswell.

Snopes, expert at deconstructing jokes, makes it clear that five of those nine were born prior to Roswell. Two were born over 16 months after Roswell, making them unlikely aliens. Hillary Clinton was born only 3 months after Roswell, which also makes her an unlikely alien. However, there is one person in the list who falls right on target: Al Gore.

Latest Weird Al video (I wish I could figure out how to embed)

update (forgot I learned how to embed for my ‘browse my library’ page a few weeks ago)

Before you start telling me how ironic it is that a video about not downloading MP3s illegally is on YouTube…the person who uploaded it to YouTube is identified as
Al Yankovic, and the profile is listed as a musician’s profile.

Furthermore, if you go to Dontdownloadthissong.com, you can …download the song (for free).

Pet the puppy: This Much Is True

The US Code on Time Zones and Daylight Savings

The State of Idaho ought to be in the Pacific and Mountain zones. Right? Even if your geography is poor, if you watch enough television, you probably know that the order of the time zones is (from West to East): Pacific, Mountain, Central, Eastern, Atlantic.

But here’s section 264 quoted from the above link:

Sec. 264. Part of Idaho in third zone

In the division of territory, and in the definition of the limits of each zone, as provided in sections 261 to 264 of this title, so much of the State of Idaho as lies south of the Salmon River, traversing the State from east to west near forty-five degree thirty minutes latitude, shall be embraced in the third zone: Provided, That common carriers within such portion of the State of Idaho may conduct their operations on Pacific time.

OK, so what’s the ‘third’ time zone?

Section 263:

The standard time of the first zone shall be known and designated as Atlantic standard time; that of the second zone shall be known and designated as eastern standard time; that of the third zone shall be known and designated as central standard time; that of the fourth zone shall be known and designated as mountain standard time;

So Idaho is split between Pacific and Central Time. Several places in Idaho you can have one foot two hours ahead of the other. Cool, hunh? (I somehow suspect in the majority of instances, Idaho is breaking the law.)
The page does says ‘current as of 2002′, so I went in search of something more recent:
The House of Representatives page is current as of 2004, and suggests section 264 was last revised in 1948.

What seems to have happened is clear from the amendment history of section 263

1966 - Pub. L. 89-387 added Atlantic standard time as first zone designation; redesignated as eastern standard time, central standard time, mountain standard time and Pacific standard time for second through fifth zones

So, according to US Law, for the past 40 years, Idaho has been in the Pacific and Central time zones. Maybe it’s time someone pointed this out to someone in Washington…
Thanks to Greg for spotting the error.

A synagogue in Los Angeles wanted to teach its 4th and 5th graders about death and the religious burial rituals. They decided they needed to have someone ‘die’ who all the kids were familiar with, but none of them were still attached to by 4th/5th grade.

They chose Barney

When asked what they should do with the purple corpse of ‘Bernard Dinotzuris’, one kid suggested tossing him into a dumpster. Apparently, by the end of the lesson, the mood of the kids had changed a bit.

With a group name like that, you can pretty much guess what their music is about.

I heard them sing a song just now on NPR from their new album, Unorthodox.

They Tried to Kill Us (We Survived.  Let’s Eat)

A perfect Passover song.  (Passover begins tomorrow night.)

First verse, and chorus (follow the link for the rest):

We were slaves to pharaoh in Egypt
The year was 1492
Hitler had just invaded Poland
Madonna had just become a Jew
Moses was found on the Potomac
Then he marched with Martin Luther King
He came back to free us from our bondage
‘Cause S&M has never been our thing

They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat
They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet
So they chase us to the border
There’s a parting of the water
Tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up.
 
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
 
I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
 
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
 
She spent that night at her mother’s.
 
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.
 
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”
 
One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”
 
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confess, “I’ve been thinking…”
 
“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”
 
“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”
 
“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver.  “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
 
“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.
 
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors… They didn’t open. The library was closed.
 
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a Poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.
 
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
 
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.”
 
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
 
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed…easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
 
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
 
Today I made the final step, I registered to vote as a _____. 

(This joke has been modified so you can complete it in the fashion which most pleases you.  There is of course, as everyone knows, only one correct way to complete it.) 

Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

(OK, I’m about 8 years late in seeing this news story from The Onion. Funny. Untrue, yes, just in case some people don’t realize The Onion is a satirical newspaper. But Funny.)

“For six millennia, the story of the Jewish people has been the story of survival,” Baruch said. “But even the most indestructible race would lose their will to live after 6,000 years of brisket.”

First, we had to write a poem with the words “flat tire” in it. I
wrote the poem, and will likely submit it somewhere very shortly.
I’ll let you know if it gets published.

Then we had to write a poem with glockenspiel, canoodling, and
redemption. I wrote the following:

Making Music

You and me
canoodling
on a glockenspiel –
no redemption.

Last night we were told to write a poem with luminescent and
perspicacious. I composed a senryu on the spot.

The perspicacious
iguana’s luminescence
disturbs me greatly.

Whether or not you believe these challenges are producing great poetry
may depend upon the (in)stability of your mind.

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